Thursday 29 September 2011
Thursday 15 September 2011
A Four Foot Afro and a 3.8 Inch Long Tongue...
So you're interested in finding out how many dogs we can get to skip over a large rope at the same time? Perhaps you've been losing sleep at night worrying about who on EARTH has the largest collection of daleks, or maybe you simply want to find out who in the world currently dons the largest afro, well doesn't everyone?
Have no fear, whilst skimming through the Guardian online today I found some record breakers who put me right off my breakfast. The tongue...the nails... oh jesus...
Have no fear, whilst skimming through the Guardian online today I found some record breakers who put me right off my breakfast. The tongue...the nails... oh jesus...
 |
| Chanel Tapper from California, USA, is revealed to have the longest tongue, measuring 3.8 inches (9.75 cm) from tip to top lip |
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| Rob Hull from Doncaster, UK, is the proud owner of the largest collection of Daleks. He has 571 different models |
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| The most dogs skipping on a rope is 13, achieved by Uchida Geinousha's Super Wan Wan circus in Japan |
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Chris 'the Dutchess' Walton shows off her fingernails, which total 19ft 9in (6 metres) in length. She has been growing her nails for 18 years |
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| The Best Man, a 1940s fire truck converted into a wedding chapel, is the fastest wedding chapel in the world, capable of reaching a speed of 62mph. Photograph: David Torrence/Guinness World Re/PA |
Friday 9 September 2011
STOP PRESS: Katie Price Launches Magazine
So, front page news today is that Katie Price, aka Jordan has launched her own magazine. Thanks to the Guardian for the wonderfully worded feature on this life changing event.
You thought she'd sold every last newsworthy detail of her life to the gossip magazines, but you thought wrong. She's been hoarding the real gold, planning for the day when she would take the press on at their own game and emerge victorious, armed with the kind of news any journalist would kill for.
One after another, the head-spinning revelations come. "I like to clean and sweep the kitchen after cooking." "I really hate being cold." And the press' personal favourite, "I hate having my car's petrol warning light on."
I didn't think I'd ever say this, but for once I think the Showbiz Editor at the Sun has the right idea (although I fear it may be a case of pot calling kettle black)
"Jordan has her own magazine out today," wrote the Sun's showbiz editor, Gordon Smart. "It's glossy and full of shite. A true reflection of the woman at the helm."
ALRIGHT NARCISSUS, BACK TO YOUR POOL.
P.S
I'm aware this post may come off as a little sarcastic, mostly down to The Guardian's absolute slating of our favourite bronzed goddess, but at least she has huge breasts, that must count for something right? (What do you mean you hadn't noticed?)
P.P.S
I understand to many of you this is BIG NEWS. Feel free to add as many 'OMG's' as you see fit in the comment box below.
One after another, the head-spinning revelations come. "I like to clean and sweep the kitchen after cooking." "I really hate being cold." And the press' personal favourite, "I hate having my car's petrol warning light on."
I didn't think I'd ever say this, but for once I think the Showbiz Editor at the Sun has the right idea (although I fear it may be a case of pot calling kettle black)
"Jordan has her own magazine out today," wrote the Sun's showbiz editor, Gordon Smart. "It's glossy and full of shite. A true reflection of the woman at the helm."
ALRIGHT NARCISSUS, BACK TO YOUR POOL.
P.S
I'm aware this post may come off as a little sarcastic, mostly down to The Guardian's absolute slating of our favourite bronzed goddess, but at least she has huge breasts, that must count for something right? (What do you mean you hadn't noticed?)
P.P.S
I understand to many of you this is BIG NEWS. Feel free to add as many 'OMG's' as you see fit in the comment box below.
28 Ways to Make Meetings More Interesting...
Thanks to The Guardian for making me snort with laughter at these way to make meetings more interesting.
1. Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: "can you feel it?" from the corner of your mouth.
2. Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
3. When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
4. Chew tobacco.
5. Wear a hands free phone headset throughout, once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: "I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!"
6. Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
7. Respond to a serious question with: "I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast".
8. Use 'Nam style jargon such as "what's the ETA?", "who's on recon?" and "Charlie don't surf".
9. Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.
10. Shave one of your forearms.
11. Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs, then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
12. Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you "love this dirty town".
13. Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for one minute.
14. Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.
15. Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off your watch face.
16. Gargle with water.
17. Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
18. Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.
19. Hum throughout the meeting.
20. Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.
21. Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
22. Drop meaningless and confusing management speak into conversations such as:
"What's the margin, Marvin?"
"When's this turkey going to get basted?"
"If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors".
23. Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.
24. Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
25. Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda
1 Trample the weak
2 Triumph alone
3 Invade Poland
Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't seen them.
26. Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
27. When referring to someone in the room always call them your "homey" or "dog".
28. Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout: "I AM NOT FINISHED".
1. Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: "can you feel it?" from the corner of your mouth.
2. Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
3. When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
4. Chew tobacco.
5. Wear a hands free phone headset throughout, once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: "I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!"
6. Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
7. Respond to a serious question with: "I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast".
8. Use 'Nam style jargon such as "what's the ETA?", "who's on recon?" and "Charlie don't surf".
9. Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.
10. Shave one of your forearms.
11. Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs, then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
12. Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you "love this dirty town".
13. Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for one minute.
14. Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.
15. Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off your watch face.
16. Gargle with water.
17. Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
18. Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.
19. Hum throughout the meeting.
20. Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.
21. Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
22. Drop meaningless and confusing management speak into conversations such as:
"What's the margin, Marvin?"
"When's this turkey going to get basted?"
"If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors".
23. Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.
24. Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
25. Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read: My secret agenda
1 Trample the weak
2 Triumph alone
3 Invade Poland
Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't seen them.
26. Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
27. When referring to someone in the room always call them your "homey" or "dog".
28. Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout: "I AM NOT FINISHED".
Tuesday 6 September 2011
Dates from HELL...
I've been dating since I was 15, I'm exhausted, where is he?
- Charlotte, Sex & the City
Lets be completely honest. The attached among us often wish we were single (yearning for a moment of peace, perhaps a day of not having to put the toilet seat down - ahhh, the mere thought of a weekend without the background noise of football...) **Sorry, back on topic** whilst the singletons are obsessed to the point of hysteria with finding 'the one'.
I love a good gossip with a single friend, there's something so much more exciting hearing about the DRAMA of the meeting of eyes and flirting, the EXCITEMENT of that 'will he, won't he ask me out' the pure and complete horror of a date gone COMPLETELY and UTTERLY tits up.
I haven't had many dates, not proper ones anyway, it's been more nights out with Jägermeister than trips to Paris if you know what I mean. It's probably a good thing, based on the fact the first date I had with the current beau apparently didn't go too well. I still see nothing wrong with the fact that whilst putting his arm around me he found that my dress still had the label in (Don't judge: I hadn't decided if I liked it, or him, enough to warrant the cost, OK?)
Anyway, my mildy mortifying dates don't come close to some friends have had.
Lets look at one example:
Exhibit A:
Once upon a time....
There are many, many more tales (but I marked this blog as 'U' rated so maybe I won't recount them here)
My love of hearing about dates from hell means that when I stumbled upon this little beauty I was joyous...
Site: First Dates from Hell
Absolute genius!
Visit the site - here are just a few of my favourite dates from hell in just 140 characters...
Please feel free to comment and post your dates from hell - i would honestly LOVE to hear them!
- Charlotte, Sex & the City
Lets be completely honest. The attached among us often wish we were single (yearning for a moment of peace, perhaps a day of not having to put the toilet seat down - ahhh, the mere thought of a weekend without the background noise of football...) **Sorry, back on topic** whilst the singletons are obsessed to the point of hysteria with finding 'the one'.
I love a good gossip with a single friend, there's something so much more exciting hearing about the DRAMA of the meeting of eyes and flirting, the EXCITEMENT of that 'will he, won't he ask me out' the pure and complete horror of a date gone COMPLETELY and UTTERLY tits up.
I haven't had many dates, not proper ones anyway, it's been more nights out with Jägermeister than trips to Paris if you know what I mean. It's probably a good thing, based on the fact the first date I had with the current beau apparently didn't go too well. I still see nothing wrong with the fact that whilst putting his arm around me he found that my dress still had the label in (Don't judge: I hadn't decided if I liked it, or him, enough to warrant the cost, OK?)
Anyway, my mildy mortifying dates don't come close to some friends have had.
Lets look at one example:
Exhibit A:
Once upon a time....
- Boy meets girl on night out
- Boy asks girl out via text the next day
- Girl unfortunately remembers liking said boy but (because of afore mentioned Jägermeister) not quite enough to remember what he looks like
- Girl decides to get to bar early to wait and hope boy recognises her not the other way round
- Girl somehow drinks one bottle of red before boy arrives
- Boy takes (carries) girl to cinema
- Girl falls asleep in cinema
- Girl wakes up and does not recognise date
- Girl tries to leave cinema mid film only to be stopped by date
- "Who are you" says girl
- "I'm your date" says boy
- Girl sits down and watches the rest of the film
- Girl still gets asked out on another date
- Girl declines fearing the relationship perhaps did not start in the best of ways and would probably result in boy being a pushover (plus if hey were to ever get married the speeches would almost certainly bring up first meeting and a red face does not compliment white wedding gown)
There are many, many more tales (but I marked this blog as 'U' rated so maybe I won't recount them here)
My love of hearing about dates from hell means that when I stumbled upon this little beauty I was joyous...
Site: First Dates from Hell
| Journalist Rhodri Marsden posted about a bad date on Twitter. Replies poured in and the collection of responses became the internet’s new favourite thing. Here’s what he learned: | |||||
| This hyper-connected internet age has given single people like myself a sliver of hope that the partner of our dreams might be around the next cyber-corner. Across forums, social media and internet dating sites, we exchange flirtatious banter, establish that we might like each other, and eventually meet up. But this approach has a colossal failure rate. We sit in a room with someone we’ve never met and know barely anything about, purely on the basis of an optimistic hunch. Wine and beer is consumed, often to excess. Unusual things happen. We experience regret. Misery. Brutal hangovers. But tragedy plus time equals anecdote. A couple of weeks ago I posted on Twitter about a bad first date I’d had, consisting of three hours of gruelling conversation that neither of us were socially skilled enough to curtail. I started receiving hundreds of stories in reply. The girl who was taken at night to a shopping centre still being built. The girl who was forced to eat all her vegetables on her plate at dinner. The man who turned up in full fencing garb, “carrying his wallet in his face protector thing”. Shorn of extraneous detail, these tweets were almost haiku-like: (“She said ‘I really hoped you’d be someone else’ and left.”) From unexpected personnel turning up (“Detoured by prison before dinner to bail out his brother, who’d stabbed his girlfriend”) to bizarre get-out excuses (“He said he had to get home to the chicken breast going off in his fridge”), 80% of these tales were grim examples of man’s inhumanity to woman. Misplaced confidence, arrogance and bizarre behaviour are rampant (eg “One gentleman took me to the pub car park to show me his motorbike. He revved it for about 10 minutes, then did a lap and drove off.”) I hearby apologise on behalf of all men, but humbly suggest women can, on occassion, be just as bad. “A date showed up with an albino ferret named Dylan. She channeled all chat through him. Dylan says…”. Of course, if you meet the right person, there is no story. What you’re doing and where you’re doing it almost fails to register. The evening slips by as effortless conversation flows, synergy is established, moments of hysterical mirth are shared. But most of the time it’s like this: “We spent 30 minutes talking about Milton Keynes station. I’ve never even been there.” This is a terrible shame. But it can make for a wonderful story. |
Absolute genius!
Visit the site - here are just a few of my favourite dates from hell in just 140 characters...
Please feel free to comment and post your dates from hell - i would honestly LOVE to hear them!
Friday 2 September 2011
It's 'My Little Pony' Gone Mental...
Ever wondered what a My Little Pony would look like if it was dressed up as Edward Scissorhands? Princess Leia? Er, Lady Gaga? What do you mean ‘no’? Finnish artist Mari Kasurinen finds the small plastic animals (or ‘gender free objects made of plastic and fake hair’) are the perfect medium to turn into iconic characters from pop culture.
Thanks to Emerald Street (sign up with them for a very cool daily email btw) for bringing these weird little beauties to my attention!
For more mental My Little Pony's click here
Thanks to Emerald Street (sign up with them for a very cool daily email btw) for bringing these weird little beauties to my attention!
For more mental My Little Pony's click here
18 again...
Yesterday I was 18 again. OK, so I was actually 25 but whatever - who's counting.
Now I'm not saying I didn't have a great day yesterday, I was taken out for lunch, sent lots of cards, treated to a couple (OK four) strawberry daiquiri's in the evening and even received a few presents. But there's something about birthday's once you either a.) reach 21 or b.) finish uni that just don't quite cut it.
There's a few reasons why not:
1.) Work
I actually love my job, believe it or not. But, as I now work for myself, people think I can just take time off whenever I feel like it. Incorrect. Whilst it may be the case I could, theoretically do so, I would neither earn any money, nor do I relish spending a day 'off' when everyone else is at work. Grab a mate time. This year I woke up, opened some cards, ate breakfast in bed, waved off the other half (when I say waved off I mean so in the loosest possible way, I was, of course, still under the covers) considered my options for the iconic 25th year of my birth (should I do a skydive, get a tattoo, was it too early for vodka?) then resigned myself to opening up the laptop and working.Rock and Roll.
2.) There's people missing
How dare my school / uni / lifelong friends be scattered across the country? Don't they realise that their presence is required every birthday, regardless of work / other life commitments? Frankly, it's just not on. All it used to take was an old school party invite "Dear Sam, please come to my birthday - there will be cake and jelly" and a phone call from one mum to another making sure the invite hadn't got lost on the way back from school. Boo, hiss - and yes, I will cry if I want to.
3.) Wearing a tiara all day becomes a little less acceptable.
I believe it's a god given right that a girl should be able to wear a tiara on two occasions, her wedding day and her birthday. For as long as I can remember I've donned my (classy) plastic tiara on my birthday - but last year I received numerous looks that suggested I was deranged and it saddens me that the tiara has lost a little of its previously unrelenting joy. Haters, be gone.
Whilst I'm on a whingy roll, here's another short list of why getting old is rubbish:
- People believe you are interested in the minute by minute happenings of their children. You are required to sit and click through 7,000,000 photos of the brat doing mind-blowing activities such as blowing bubbles or 'looking cute'.
- You are supposed to not only know, but understand, mortgage interest rates.
- You must know what a perennial is.
- Hangovers last up to 3 days.
Over and (blow the candle) out.
Now I'm not saying I didn't have a great day yesterday, I was taken out for lunch, sent lots of cards, treated to a couple (OK four) strawberry daiquiri's in the evening and even received a few presents. But there's something about birthday's once you either a.) reach 21 or b.) finish uni that just don't quite cut it.
There's a few reasons why not:
1.) Work
I actually love my job, believe it or not. But, as I now work for myself, people think I can just take time off whenever I feel like it. Incorrect. Whilst it may be the case I could, theoretically do so, I would neither earn any money, nor do I relish spending a day 'off' when everyone else is at work. Grab a mate time. This year I woke up, opened some cards, ate breakfast in bed, waved off the other half (when I say waved off I mean so in the loosest possible way, I was, of course, still under the covers) considered my options for the iconic 25th year of my birth (should I do a skydive, get a tattoo, was it too early for vodka?) then resigned myself to opening up the laptop and working.Rock and Roll.
2.) There's people missing
How dare my school / uni / lifelong friends be scattered across the country? Don't they realise that their presence is required every birthday, regardless of work / other life commitments? Frankly, it's just not on. All it used to take was an old school party invite "Dear Sam, please come to my birthday - there will be cake and jelly" and a phone call from one mum to another making sure the invite hadn't got lost on the way back from school. Boo, hiss - and yes, I will cry if I want to.
3.) Wearing a tiara all day becomes a little less acceptable.
I believe it's a god given right that a girl should be able to wear a tiara on two occasions, her wedding day and her birthday. For as long as I can remember I've donned my (classy) plastic tiara on my birthday - but last year I received numerous looks that suggested I was deranged and it saddens me that the tiara has lost a little of its previously unrelenting joy. Haters, be gone.
Whilst I'm on a whingy roll, here's another short list of why getting old is rubbish:
- People believe you are interested in the minute by minute happenings of their children. You are required to sit and click through 7,000,000 photos of the brat doing mind-blowing activities such as blowing bubbles or 'looking cute'.
- You are supposed to not only know, but understand, mortgage interest rates.
- You must know what a perennial is.
- Hangovers last up to 3 days.
Over and (blow the candle) out.
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